1 00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:02,636 Everybody Hates Chris "Everybody Hates Homecoming" Closed Captioned 2 00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:06,274 CHRIS ROCK: During football season at Tattaglia, 3 00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:10,211 there was nothing more important than Homecoming Week. 4 00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,545 Homecoming Dance? 5 00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:12,813 What are you looking at that for? 6 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,715 Just want to know the date of the dance 7 00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:17,185 so I can start acting like I'm sick three days before. 8 00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:18,619 It's a great excuse-- I'd use it, 9 00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:20,554 but nobody cares whether I'm there or not. 10 00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:22,223 Why don't you just go stag? 11 00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:23,491 End up dancing by myself? 12 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:24,792 I could do that at home. 13 00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:27,528 * I'll be dancing with myself 14 00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,231 * Oh, I'll be dancing with myself * 15 00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:33,301 Would you go dance with yourself someplace else?! 16 00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:34,635 * Dancing with myself... 17 00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:36,737 Chris... 18 00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:39,073 I'd like you to meet Jenise. 19 00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:41,209 Hi. I just transferred in. 20 00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:43,311 Jenise doesn't have a date for the dance, 21 00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,579 and since all the other black men are taken... 22 00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:47,115 By white women. 23 00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,782 ...I thought you two might go together. 24 00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,451 Well, anyway, 25 00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:52,586 I'll let Chris lay his rap on you. 26 00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:53,487 Peace. 27 00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:55,456 I'm Audi 5000. 28 00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:56,657 So, do you want to go? 29 00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:59,493 Sure. I just don't want you to feel like you have to go 30 00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:00,661 'cause she set you up. No, it's cool. 31 00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:03,497 All you have to do is come by so my parents can meet you. 32 00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:05,466 If they like you, we can go. 33 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:06,500 That's cool. 34 00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:07,801 That will go great, 35 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,503 because we all know-- everybody loves me. 36 00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:10,771 So, I'll see you later. 37 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,609 Dude, you're going to the Homecoming Dance? 38 00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:18,746 I guess so. Great. My life sucks, and what do you do? 39 00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:21,749 You make it suck worse. What, do you want me to stay at home 40 00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:24,252 and have a sucky night, too, so you can feel better? 41 00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,819 Yeah. That's what friends are for! 42 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:29,757 With friends like that, who needs enemies? 43 00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,638 * Ah, make it funky now. 44 00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:48,576 Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION 45 00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:05,393 Since I was going to the dance with Jenise, 46 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,595 I needed to cancel a date with Doc's. 47 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:10,464 Drew, I need you to work my shift Saturday night at Doc's. 48 00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:11,565 He's already taking your place 49 00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:13,401 working after school. 50 00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,669 You need him to work on weekends, too? 51 00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:17,171 Oh, it's okay, Mom. I could use the money. 52 00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:18,539 Well, what do you have to do anyway? 53 00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,541 I have a date to the Homecoming Dance. 54 00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:22,610 TONYA: A date 55 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,712 Nothing. Her name's Jenise, and she lives in Park Slope. 56 00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:25,846 ROCHELLE: Park Slope? 57 00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,448 That's expensive. 58 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,417 And she goes to your school? 59 00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:30,651 I told you there was something wrong with her. 60 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,253 She's retarded. 61 00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:33,687 Your brother's date is not retarded. 62 00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:35,589 Well, she could be, but there's different levels. 63 00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:36,857 She could be a moron, 64 00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:39,260 an imbecile, an idiot or a cretin. 65 00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:41,329 Morons have the highest IQ of the mentally retarded, 66 00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,696 so if something's wrong with her, 67 00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:43,731 you may not notice at first. 68 00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:46,200 Like the first time you watch Bill O'Reilly. 69 00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:48,536 Why is it so hard to believe I have a date 70 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:49,903 with a perfectly nice, normal girl? 71 00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,649 (screeching laughter) 72 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,626 Hello 73 00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:18,732 (speaking indistinctly, laughter continues) 74 00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:21,802 Oh... oh, stop. 75 00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:22,670 Whew! 76 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:23,837 Whew! 77 00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,639 You finished? 78 00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,675 Yeah, yeah. But you have to admit, 79 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,877 that was pretty funny. 80 00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:31,645 ROCHELLE: Oh, Drew and Tonya, 81 00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:33,714 y'all go get ready for bed. 82 00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,449 Mm, mm, mm. 83 00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:37,451 Anyway, all she said was that 84 00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:38,652 I had to meet her parents, 85 00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:40,521 and if they say it's okay, then we can go. 86 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,689 What? Wait a minute, now. 87 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,791 Who are they to be checking out my son? 88 00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,426 I should be checking out their daughter. 89 00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:47,728 Who knows what kind of floozy she might be? 90 00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:48,896 I'd like to find out. 91 00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:50,598 Since you're going for an inspection, 92 00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:52,566 make sure you make a good impression. 93 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:53,801 If I could do impressions, 94 00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:56,270 I'd still be on Saturday Night Live. 95 00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:57,638 Meanwhile, I wasn't the only one 96 00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:58,839 trying to impress a new girl. 97 00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:01,709 * Mr. Telephone Man 98 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,612 * There's something wrong with my line 99 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,914 * When I dial my baby's number * 100 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:09,683 * I get a click every time... 101 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,685 That's good! I didn't know you could sing like that. 102 00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:13,387 Hey, Tonya. 103 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:14,955 Hey, Youngblood. Where y'all going? 104 00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:16,524 Oh, he's walking me home. 105 00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:17,791 Check you out. 106 00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:19,827 I heard you... singing. 107 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:21,662 Now you're walking people home? 108 00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:23,997 You're like a one-man walking show. 109 00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:25,499 All chivalrous. 110 00:04:25,533 --> 00:04:26,900 You're like Maurice Chevalier. 111 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,702 James was a rare combination 112 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:31,004 of French film buff and bug. 113 00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:33,307 Maybe I'll see you tomorrow. 114 00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:35,042 Come on, man. Where you going? 115 00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:36,710 Don't leave. Let's sing. 116 00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:39,380 You be Ralph Tresvant. I'll be Bobby Brown. 117 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,714 Come on. How come no one 118 00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:42,750 ever wants to be Ronnie DeVoe? 119 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,017 What'd you do that for? 120 00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,453 I liked you before he did. 121 00:04:45,486 --> 00:04:46,820 How come I can't walk you home? 122 00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:49,323 Because I'm going by myself. 123 00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:51,559 Meanwhile, Greg had gone 124 00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:53,994 from bad to worse, like America under Bush. 125 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,596 Greg, where you going? 126 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,698 I'm out of here. I just don't fit in anymore. 127 00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:59,066 I can't come back to this. 128 00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:00,868 At the Bronx Academy, I was somebody. 129 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,803 Yeah, you were the guy who got kicked out. 130 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,372 I wouldn't expect you to understand. 131 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,739 You're manager of the football team. 132 00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:07,541 You got a date to the Homecoming Dance. 133 00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:09,943 I'm just another reject. Well, what are you gonna do about it? 134 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,979 Join the army; they don't reject anybody. 135 00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:13,714 Rejected. 136 00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:16,884 Sorry. 137 00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,756 While Greg looked for acceptance, 138 00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,892 Doc looked for business. 139 00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:27,528 Is all this stuff past the expiration date? 140 00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:31,532 Yeah. I remember back when I couldn't keep a shelf stocked. 141 00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:32,866 : I can't figure out 142 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,868 why people don't come in here no more. 143 00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,370 Because you don't sell crack. 144 00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:38,606 Could be because there's a negative flow of energy. 145 00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,541 Or because you don't sell crack. 146 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:41,875 What you talking about? 147 00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:43,544 Feng shui-- it's the Chinese practice 148 00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:44,945 of achieving harmony in one's environment 149 00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,447 through the placement of objects. 150 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,382 I think feng shui is the reason 151 00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:50,050 Mr. Fong's restaurant is always so packed. 152 00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:52,586 And because Mr. Fong sells crack. 153 00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:53,887 Feng shui, huh? 154 00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:57,124 I thought I was gonna have to sell crack. 155 00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:58,959 Eh, what the hay. 156 00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,061 Do your thing. 157 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,931 While Drew was setting up to get some customers, 158 00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:06,500 I was setting up to meet the parents. 159 00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:08,135 Wow, look at you. 160 00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:11,639 Looking like that, my parents might think I'm not good enough for you. 161 00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:13,040 I just don't want anything to go wrong. 162 00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:14,775 Then send someone else in your place. 163 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:15,843 Everything'll be fine. 164 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,579 I'll meet you at my house after school. Cool. 165 00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,885 What's your problem! 166 00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:25,586 Oops. Sorry. 167 00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,821 I forgot to say, "Here, catch." 168 00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:30,658 Well, at least it's chocolate. It'll blend in. 169 00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:32,893 I hope her family likes chocolate. 170 00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:40,468 * 171 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:54,482 : What is all of this ringing of the bells 172 00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:57,918 while I am eating the sweet potato pop? 173 00:06:57,951 --> 00:06:59,920 Mmm. 174 00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:05,593 (audience applause, whooping, whistling) 175 00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,961 Son, the homeless shelter's around the corner. 176 00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:11,131 No, I'm not homeless. I'm Chris. 177 00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:14,034 I'm taking Jenise to the Homecoming Dance this week at Tattaglia. 178 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,669 In that? 179 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,773 Jenise Huckstable! 180 00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:22,676 Downstairs! Now! 181 00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:24,845 Come in, son. 182 00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:30,718 (audience applause, whooping, whistling) 183 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,120 Oh, no! Chris, what happened? 184 00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,722 After we met in the hallway, 185 00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:37,558 this kid hit me with a bowl of pudding. 186 00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:38,892 Here, come sit down. 187 00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:43,731 : No, no, no, don't sit down. 188 00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,799 Just in case that's not pudding. 189 00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:49,937 Clint Huckstable, what is wrong with you? 190 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:52,540 Oh, my Lord. 191 00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:55,042 A motherless child. 192 00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:58,178 He's not a motherless child. 193 00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:00,013 That's Chris. We met at school. 194 00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:01,715 I got hit with a bowl of pudding. 195 00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:03,784 Blair, the boy has been abused. 196 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,253 Well, I can take your case. 197 00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:08,021 I'm a lawyer, you know. 198 00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,690 I am very accomplished. 199 00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:11,024 Yes, and I would like 200 00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:12,993 to accomplish something with you later on, 201 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,695 : if you know what I mean. 202 00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,163 BLAIR : Stop it, Clint. 203 00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:19,166 So, Chris, where are you from? 204 00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:20,934 Bed-Stuy. Now, I heard 205 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,035 about that place. 206 00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:24,004 I sent a boy to jail from there. 207 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,873 He was 208 00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,307 selling something called crack. 209 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,810 All the babies from there are on it. 210 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:33,080 Are you a crack baby? 211 00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,915 No, sir. 212 00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:35,949 Now, Chris, 213 00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,818 do you have a family? 214 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,120 Yeah, a mother, father, sister, brother. 215 00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:44,291 Are they crack people? 216 00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:46,226 No, sir. 217 00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:48,261 What kind of law does your mother practice? 218 00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,530 She works in the beauty salon. 219 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:53,934 And what does your father do? 220 00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:55,235 Oh, he has two jobs. Oh, so 221 00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:57,004 he's a doctor and a lawyer. 222 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,006 No, he drives a truck 223 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,208 and does security part-time. 224 00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:06,279 I see. 225 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:08,281 Well, Chris, 226 00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:10,951 much like your people from Bed-Stuy, 227 00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:13,721 our daughter here is a screwup. 228 00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:17,224 Yeah, and instead of wasting money 229 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,660 on a good private school, 230 00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:22,830 we decided to teach her a lesson and send her 231 00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:25,032 to the Tattaglia public school. 232 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,167 And then she decided to teach us a lesson 233 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,670 by bringing you home. 234 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:35,108 But we are not going to penalize you 235 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,945 for her stupidity. 236 00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:42,249 Chris, we have decided 237 00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:45,252 to let you take our daughter Jenise 238 00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:48,989 to the Homecoming Dance. 239 00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:50,057 (audience cheering and applause) 240 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,358 CHRIS: Thank you, sir. 241 00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:54,962 You're welcome. 242 00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:58,298 And we have this lovely sweater here 243 00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:02,169 so you have something decent to wear. 244 00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,104 Also... 245 00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,239 this delicious box 246 00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:08,241 of sweet potato pops. 247 00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,347 While I was working on the Huckstables, 248 00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:16,416 James was working on Tonya's nerves. 249 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:21,054 Where's Jason? He was supposed to meet me, not you. 250 00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,023 You mean Maurice? I don't know. But I know this much: 251 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,892 If I was supposed to walk you to school, 252 00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:26,393 when you came out, I'd be there 253 00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,796 even if somebody threatened me with a tire iron. 254 00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:30,263 She wishes she had a tire iron. 255 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,700 But I'll walk you, you know, since he's not here. 256 00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,434 I don't want you to walk me to school. 257 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:35,402 Leave me alone. 258 00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:37,738 That's how girls turned down R. Kelly. 259 00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:41,709 While Tonya wanted to be alone, Doc had plenty of company. 260 00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:48,849 Wow, this feng shui thing is something else. 261 00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:50,818 Business hasn't been this good 262 00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:53,186 since they robbed the food stamp truck. 263 00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:55,055 What's this? 264 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,256 This is a money tree. 265 00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:57,758 It'll bring you good fortune. 266 00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:00,260 Looks like it's working. 267 00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:05,132 Can I help you? 268 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,400 That's English for "I don't speak Chinese." 269 00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:10,470 Doc's business was at an all-time high, 270 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,806 and Greg was at an all-time low. 271 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:16,109 Greg, get up. 272 00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:18,779 I mean, I know getting kicked out of the Bronx Academy sucked, 273 00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:19,713 but things can work out. 274 00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:20,647 Yeah, it's easy for you to say. 275 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,849 You're not the one with the miserable life. 276 00:11:21,882 --> 00:11:27,254 What show have you been on for the last three years? 277 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:29,790 Maybe you just need to get involved with something. 278 00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:30,791 Like what? 279 00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:31,792 Like a shower. 280 00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,727 I got an idea. 281 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:35,428 Your school mascot, a sleeping fish. 282 00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,965 What about it? 283 00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:39,733 Well, they need a new guy. 284 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,168 The other guy quit. 285 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,103 So, what, you think me running around the sidelines 286 00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:46,373 at a football game wearing a giant fish suit's gonna help me? 287 00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,275 Really? That's what you think? 288 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,911 Well, everybody loves him. 289 00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:52,379 And they've never lost a game 290 00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:53,981 with him on the sidelines. 291 00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:55,482 I don't know. 292 00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:58,151 Trust me. 293 00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,325 Hey, Greg, you look great. 294 00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,027 Hey, Chris, you're lying. 295 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,229 All right, Bassie, I want you to get out there today, 296 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,799 you run around that field, you get us a win. You understand? 297 00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:12,933 Isn't that what the players are for? 298 00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:14,868 Move it or lose it, towel boy. 299 00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:18,638 Greg, come on. 300 00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:21,074 No, I got to wait for a car to take me. 301 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:21,909 I got this big suit. 302 00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:24,511 Oh, well, good luck. Catch you later. 303 00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:27,214 While I was gonna catch Greg later, 304 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,783 some other guys were gonna catch Greg now. 305 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,191 While Greg was nowhere to be found, 306 00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:40,227 Doc couldn't find anything. 307 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,462 Drew, where did you put the hot sauce? 308 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:45,565 What you mean, it disrupted the chi? 309 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,034 Okay, then where's the chi? 310 00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:48,802 Where the hot sauce used to be. 311 00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:51,471 Well, I can't pour a philosophical concept 312 00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,406 on my catfish, now can I? 313 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,209 Think. I'll call you back. 314 00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:58,445 Meanwhile, history was made today 315 00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:02,549 when the Tattaglia Sleeping Fish lost their homecoming game 316 00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:08,255 to the Clemenza Fighting Silencers by a score of 68 to 2. 317 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,457 We fought a good fight, but we lost. 318 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,125 But ultimately, I have to blame the loss 319 00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:13,293 on our mascot Bassie. 320 00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:16,163 He was a no-show, and we lost. 321 00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:18,431 Hope you're happy about that, Bassie, 322 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:22,269 You happy now You see what you did. 323 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,872 Tomorrow night at Madison Square Garden, 324 00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:25,873 light heavyweight contenders... 325 00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,275 Yeah! Yeah! 326 00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:37,584 Greg, what happened? 327 00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:39,052 I got fishnapped. 328 00:13:39,086 --> 00:13:41,188 You okay? No, I'm not okay. 329 00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:42,622 I spent the last three hours in the back of a van 330 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,257 with a giant fish suit on me 331 00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,859 with guys trying to force-feed me worms. 332 00:13:45,893 --> 00:13:46,927 I hope that wasn't a metaphor. 333 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,329 Just calm down. No, you calm down. 334 00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,464 Go to your stupid homecoming dance with your stupid date. 335 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,200 And stop trying to pretend you understand me 336 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:54,567 'cause you don't, okay, pop star? 337 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,436 The only thing you can do for me 338 00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:57,837 is to kiss my white.... 339 00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:01,141 Way to lose homecoming, tadpole. 340 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,642 I'm glad Caruso punched him, 341 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,144 because it would have ruined our friendship 342 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:05,946 if I had had to do it myself. 343 00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:12,152 By the time homecoming night came around, 344 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,921 even though Greg wouldn't talk to me, 345 00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:16,890 I probably couldn't hear him because my sweater was so loud. 346 00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:18,025 That sweater looks stupid. 347 00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:20,627 I would have a comeback, but unfortunately I agree. 348 00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,562 Bet you a dollar she doesn't show up. 349 00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:23,630 Tonya, she'll show up. 350 00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:27,667 Chris, she doesn't show up, just give us a call. 351 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:28,936 We'll come get you. 352 00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:32,973 Nothing like a parent's love to destroy your confidence. 353 00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:33,941 Meanwhile, Drew learned 354 00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:36,243 you can't teach an old Doc new tricks. 355 00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,378 Doc, what happened? 356 00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:39,612 I couldn't figure out 357 00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:42,149 why Chinese people put hot sauce next to peanut butter. 358 00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:43,984 And your fortune inside a cookie. 359 00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:45,685 So I changed everything back. 360 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,988 Money won't do me any good if I go crazy 361 00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:49,256 before I try to spend it. 362 00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:52,259 So I said "Sayonara" to feng shui. 363 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:54,694 Sayonara isn't Chinese. It's Japanese. 364 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:55,662 Hey, I just read this thing 365 00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,664 about this new Japanese food called "sushi." 366 00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,566 It's supposed to be the next big thing in America. 367 00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:00,600 Maybe we could sell it here. 368 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:01,668 Sushi? 369 00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:04,171 Yeah, it's like raw fish wrapped in seaweed and rice. 370 00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:06,940 That sounds as good as hamburger made out of turkey. 371 00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:12,145 Do I have to tell you Doc went broke? 372 00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,183 What the heck is that? 373 00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:17,384 "Careless Whisper." 374 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:23,957 * But it's easy to pretend, I know you're not a fool * 375 00:15:23,991 --> 00:15:27,060 * I should have known better than to cheat a friend * 376 00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:28,028 * And waste this chance... 377 00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:29,062 Oh, my God! 378 00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:30,998 What the hell? 379 00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:37,637 * So I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you * 380 00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:40,707 Turn it off. Sit down. 381 00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:47,047 Didn't I tell you to leave my daughter alone? 382 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,748 Look, I'm just trying to show her I like her. 383 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:49,716 She gets it. 384 00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:52,052 But you can't make somebody like you back. 385 00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:54,487 At least not without a lot of fame and money. 386 00:15:54,521 --> 00:15:55,355 Between me and you, 387 00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:56,456 I ain't letting her go without a fight. 388 00:15:56,489 --> 00:16:01,094 Are you talking about a fight for her or with me? 389 00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:05,632 Just tell her when she gets tired of Jason, I'm available. 390 00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,200 I'll do that. 391 00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:09,002 No, he won't. 392 00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:11,338 While Tonya had an unwanted visitor at home, 393 00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:14,141 I had an unwanted visitor at homecoming. 394 00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:16,043 Mom, what are you doing here? 395 00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,345 Greg's aunt called. He never came home last night. 396 00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,447 Do you have any idea where he might be? 397 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,514 I don't know. 398 00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:22,649 You realize that if you don't take me to the dance, 399 00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:24,717 you'll never have a chance of going out with me again. 400 00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:25,718 I know. 401 00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:26,753 You know or you don't know? 402 00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:27,754 Huh? 403 00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:28,555 Chris, if you don't come and find me right away, 404 00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:30,457 you know this can end badly for me. 405 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:31,124 I know. 406 00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,425 Well, then come on. What? 407 00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:33,293 Let's go get Greg. 408 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,727 You say you know where he is, right? 409 00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:35,262 Yeah. 410 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,663 You better hurry, man. 411 00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:37,697 Why don't you leave him alone? 412 00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,732 You know he wants to go to the dance with me. 413 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,068 I really do. 414 00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:42,001 Well, then come on. 415 00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:43,536 He doesn't care about you. He just met you. 416 00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:45,772 He's known me for years. 417 00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:47,307 I can't leave Greg hanging. Ha! 418 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:48,275 Let's go, boy! 419 00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,409 You're standing me up? 420 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,743 What? 421 00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:53,046 I'm on the edge, man! Stop yelling at me! 422 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,181 Look, I don't care 423 00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,616 who's missing. You holler at me like that one more time, 424 00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:57,784 you gonna come up missing. 425 00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:04,091 I'm sorry. You should be. 426 00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,825 You better be. Now come on. 427 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,695 Man, that scene put the "azy" in crazy. 428 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,411 How'd you know where to find me? 429 00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:26,213 Your best friend, 430 00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:28,381 plus the Bronx Academy was the last place you were 431 00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:29,649 before everything went wrong. 432 00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:31,218 Well, now you found me, 433 00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:33,486 just leave me and let me rot. 434 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,222 Greg, I'm getting tired of your complaining. 435 00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:36,456 I've been getting knocked down for years 436 00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:37,624 and you don't see me whining. 437 00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,559 I just get up and dust myself off. 438 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:42,129 Of course you do-- you're black. 439 00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:44,131 You overcame slavery, lynchings and racism. 440 00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:45,432 You know how to deal with suffering. 441 00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,500 I'm a white guy; I'm supposed to have it easy. 442 00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,302 Greg, right now, I'm standing up 443 00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:50,670 at the most perfect girl in the world. 444 00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:52,439 Her family is amazing. 445 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:53,773 They clapped when I entered. 446 00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:55,475 They laughed at everything I said. 447 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:56,543 They gave me sweet potato pops. 448 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,145 They even gave me this sweater. 449 00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:00,113 This sweater cost more than our car. 450 00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,848 Her parents are a lawyer and a doctor. 451 00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:03,816 Last time I saw a lawyer and a doctor together 452 00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,252 was when my uncle went to the hospital 453 00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:07,187 for a routine checkup and came out dead. 454 00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:09,189 So if you don't get your harmonica-playing, 455 00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:10,323 hole-in-the-sock-wearing, 456 00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:13,193 woe-is-me, I-should-have- everything-easy behind up, 457 00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,595 I'm gonna smack the crack out of you! 458 00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:17,564 Oh, man, the dance. 459 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,667 You missed your date with Jenise to come and find me? 460 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:24,137 Don't sweat it. You would have done the same thing for me. 461 00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:28,141 When the situation came up years later, he didn't. 462 00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:31,278 The next day, I went to deliver the Huckstables an apology, 463 00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:32,612 but they had come to get it themselves. 464 00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:34,181 What the...? 465 00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:38,418 Aha! Now you know what it's like to come into your home 466 00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,387 and not believe 467 00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:42,589 what the eyes are seeing 468 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,892 because your daughter is boo-hooing, shedding the tears. 469 00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,160 Who the hell are you? 470 00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:50,663 I am Dr. Clint Huckstable. 471 00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:53,700 And I am the father of the daughter 472 00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:55,602 shedding all the tears 473 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,904 because the son of the mother 474 00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:02,175 from Bed-Stuy... stood her up 475 00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:04,911 at the Tattaglia-talia public school homecoming dance. 476 00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:07,347 How did you get into my house? 477 00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,881 The crack baby let me in. 478 00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:11,251 I'm not a crack baby. 479 00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:12,652 I'm really sorry. 480 00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:14,321 We just left your house, but... 481 00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:16,956 What kind of parent would raise a boy 482 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:20,493 that would make my future lawyer-daughter cry 483 00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:22,862 with all the tears? 484 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:23,896 Now hold on. 485 00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:26,199 If you're such a good parent, 486 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,901 how come your retarded daughter flunked out of private school 487 00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:31,571 and had to go to Tata-Tata-Tataglia 488 00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,373 public school? 489 00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:34,707 The point is... 490 00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,676 You better say the right thing, 491 00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:39,546 because I swear I will slap the sweet potato pop out of you. 492 00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:42,782 All I am saying is that my little girl 493 00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:45,652 had her feelings hurt. 494 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:46,919 You did? 495 00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:48,621 I had to even ask my father 496 00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:49,856 if I could transfer permanently. 497 00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:54,227 I thought you're funny, cute, edgy, and cool. 498 00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:56,229 You did? Yes. 499 00:19:56,263 --> 00:19:57,330 But now I hate you. 500 00:19:57,364 --> 00:20:00,933 All it took was one phone call. 501 00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,802 Now give me back my sweater. 502 00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:05,204 With pleasure. 503 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,276 Thank you, sporty. 504 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:12,845 Let's go. 505 00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,847 Ma, aren't you gonna say anything? 506 00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:19,252 Well, you could have called. 507 00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:23,290 * Everybody hates Chris. 508 00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:42,575 * Aw, make it funky now.